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Tag Archives: self commentary

25 years old.

No degree, no nothing. I know this isn’t true but it’s hard to be in a Fil-Chi family with the matriarch still around.
A matriarch who offers to pay for your college education but takes it back because “photography won’t get you anywhere.” and she’d prefer me to be an “abugago” instead. Well then, that well just ran dry. I think it’s an imposition to get my parents to pay for my schooling at this time since I’ve actually been working in the family company for almost five years now.

The only thing keeping me sane is photography and writing; sadly, that isn’t really saying much. I’m currently in the midst of a seven day stand with me sleeping 1-2 hours per day. I’ve had a total of 9 hours sleep in the past week. So, out of the past 168 hours, only nine were used for recovery. Cat naps here and there, in the car, random lulls, during the radio coverage of the Pacquiao/Clottey match. This is getting serious and it won’t be very long until my body shuts down to hibernate. It doesn’t help that I’m not thinking as straight as I would like.

I’m practically a luddite

I have two cameras, a Canon EOS 450D/Rebel XSi and a Sony DSC – W200. Both cameras have 12.1 megapixels. Do I use 12.1 megapixels?

Nope, I shoot 6MP fine on my Canon and 5MP on my Sony.

Why? Because there is no real point.

Firstly, for everyday shooting there isn’t really a need for hi-res, it’ll just take up space. Let me tell you, I’ve taken 4,000+ photos on a 3 hour event already so space is pretty important for me. If you tell me that I’m doing a photoshoot with Georgina Wilson, Solenn Heusaff or Christine Reyes I’ll be changing to RAW but until then, no need.

Secondly, since I upload most of my photos, 5/6MP is already enough for the internet. Megapixels matter for PRINTING. I print my photos, all the way up to 8R and there isn’t any pixelation, the way I PP gets rid of that.

Thirdly, RAW slows you down. I don’t have a prime laptop that can really handle RAW. When I upgrade to a Mac, I may just try it out again but I’m not holding my breath. I can do most of my PP on Jpeg so I have no need to go for RAW.

Finally, most of my photos are SOOC. If I want to do PP it’s because I want to make it unrealistic or I want to crop it. Otherwise, whatever.

I used to have an idea about how relationships SHOULD be. I used to believe that your better half was the one who completed you, something about how each person was an angel with only one wing and the only time they could fly would be if they’re together. Alone, the person can’t fly. The person needs his/her other to be a true person.

This is a lie.

Straight up lie.

Before you can love someone or expect someone to love you you’re going to need to love yourself.
Someone else completing you is pure bull. YOU have to complete yourself.

I for one do not want to burden anyone else with my emotional baggage. Wouldn’t it be better if you were ready? Wouldn’t it be better if you could give yourself to your other without hang-ups, without hassles, without all of YOUR issues?

Fix yourself up before you move forward.

I’ve not got that much in terms of empathy, that’s nothing new.

I’m amazed that I feel guilty.

Guilty that I love the rain, majorly love the rain.
Guilty that this was one of the best weekends I’ve ever had.
Guilty that I was safe and sound while others got their lives ruined.
Guilty that I can’t really contribute that much to any cause.

I’ve sort of been enjoying the empathy but it’s not me.
I think I need to get used to it.

Welp, back to downloading my stuff.
Right after I get some stuff for people who need it.

Not too bad a week

Comics are coming in late

Hassle from the “dogs” as usual

Could be better

Kick kick kick

I’m freaking out because of something I found out

I never thought I would want to kill someone who’s been so nice to me

Checking out a “friend’s” devart makes me puke. TOO much photoshop.

I love love love trying out film. I miss Velvia50

I’m really glad I’ve got my friends. It makes me happy to know I’ve got REAL friend who’ve got my back. This week, I’ve realized how important they are to me. They’re probably the only reason OTHER than my family that I’m still alive now. I believe that I’ve gained more friends in the past two years than I have in the previous 20. I honestly can’t say that I’m an easy person to get along with. I’m difficult to understand at my best and impossible to decipher or tolerate at my worst. I admit that, the proof is in the pudding.

These friends of mine TRY to understand me. THAT is ALL I need. I know it sounds simple but I’m a shallow sonuvabitch. I’m SO shallow that I’ve gained more friends in the past two years than I can fit on my outer extremities, so yeah, MORE THAN TWENTY. Seeing as that I’ve never gotten that many in such a short time, I think this is something that I can be proud of.

Neither am I the easiest person to look up to. I’m not altruistic, almost downright greedy at times. I’m not in any way compassionate. I’m not “nice” in the simplest sense of the word. I’m abrasive, crass, downright crude at times and I wouldn’t shirk at throwing a curveball at you for my own amusement. I love my friends because they really see past that. I admit that I tend to show them flashes of another me, a me that most people think is a nice guy.

Who do I regard as friends? I’ve got lists. There are the Shak/Fortress bois, some Rushers, some radio personalities I’ve gotten close to and some photographers/lawyers/doctors/etc… I’ve met along the way.

The Shak/Fortress bois are the people who I truly feel part of, a merry band of guys who get into adventures and misadventures on a weekly basis. I admit that we’re a much looser coalition than you would think but I’m MORE than proud to call myself a part of this group. Our geeky discussions are lively, and would best be described as “intelligent conversations about the dumbest things”. I mean, who else would discuss their palns for the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE(you don’t believe me, then I’ll leave you behind) or who among their friends they would eat first. NO, this isn’t some facebook quiz boyos, these are the discussion we get into when we’re NOT drunk. These are the guys I also learn the most from, it’s no surprise seeing as that these guys are all engineers, doctors, lawyers. Oh, and did I mention the teasing? DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT say, do, or even ALLUDE to anything that may have the slightest possible chance to embarrass you. I am not kidding, we will pick it up and you will regret it for the rest of your life, or the next few months at least.

Rushers are a diverse group of people but deep in our core we’re all the same. Some are younger than me, some are older than me. Some are straight, some are gay, some I don’t know, some I don’t care. All I really care about when you tell me you’re a rusher is that you listen to and love the Morning Rush. No bones about it, that’s it. Sure there are some rushers I don’t really like, but yeah, the rushers as a group are REALLY cohesive. It’s actually kind of scary at times, especially for someone who kind of shuns human contact at times but I think I may have scared them as well. Silly me.

Radio personalities, where do I begin? These are the people I listen to to and who keep me sane throughout the week. I know I can vent to them and I’ll get a balanced view instead of a jackass answer or an answer that’s based on what I WANT to hear. These people have my respect(all of them) and my admiration(some of them). I may not agree with how some show that they care about you or are cool with you but it’s all good.

Yeap, I normally do the “reviews” during the weekend but I couldn’t find the kinetic energy and just laid on potential energy over the past few days(which simply means I procrastinated and vegged on the floor). So I owe myself two reviews.

Question is, am I going to follow through?

So I did something semi-productive today. I revisited my past. I did the following:

Watched Pete and Pete

Read old Star Wars novels

Looked over an old illustrated “The Iliad and the Odyssey”

Read my old WWII books

Basically cleaned up some of the old junk which I ended up keeping anyway. LOL! Some of the unrecoverable stuff is gone. What I COULD recover, stays with me. GREAT.

If you follow me on this blog, TWITTER or on TUMBLR you’d know I’ve been in a funk lately ‘coz my Turtle died. Pathetic, I know. You would also know that my little sister left a gift on my bed. It took me the better part of an hour before I opened it.

What was inside?

A rock.

No, she’s not a weirdo. It was the rock I put in Glutton’s(yes, I happen to name my pets from their attributes) aquarium. On the rock was a munggo sculpture of a turtle. It came with a letter, actually, a letter split into two(literally two pieces of paper).

“This is Glutton’s rock.”
“Even if Glutton is gone he will always be in your heart.”

Let me go back to crying now.

Another repost from my multiply blog. Another poem.

Dreaming away

Better that people don’t see me

They’ll never understand

Maybe I’ll hear your voice

And that will make me happy

Better that people don’t know

Just wishing

Maybe I’ll admit it

And that’s all I’ll show

Better that I don’t want to

It’s the easy way

Maybe someday I’ll try

And then it’s up to you

It really isn’t all that different today

Headphones on, dreaming away

July 19, 2007