Skip navigation

Tag Archives: musing

after a few weeks of not writing, this felt good.

“writing, really”

I don’t do my blog justice. I’ve tried many, many things to keep me creative and very few of them work. It doesn’t work because I keep trying to force an order onto myself. In my heart, I’m a nomad. I can’t just stay put no matter how easy or convenient it is for me. I can’t be complacent because I just end up dead in the water with nothing actually relevant to do. I’ve never had any real structure in my life, I play everyday by ear, making plans as the day progresses. The way I live my life is the same way I should write, haphazardly, with the words spilling out of my brain and finding their way onto the paper and keypad.

I’m not saying that convenience and having a place to rest my head on at the end of the day is bad. It’s just that when I settle into a rhythm I usually find myself turning sedentary and this is what kills me. I miss walking along Ortigas and reaching Shangri-la(something which I can’t do without busting my knees now) and then walking back(or taking a jeep) along Shaw. It’s days like these that I wish I had an ACTUAL job that required moving around.

I actually miss the World Youth Days when I get to thinking like this. Even though I’ve told myself that I’m never going on another one I have to admit that the prospect of living in hostels/hotels/motels while moving around in buses and trains appeals to me, never mind the constant prayer, mass everyday and the squawking of a RAVEN MAN. Hiking would be good too, did you know hiking is a sport? Seriously, long distance cross country hiking is an honest-to-goodness sport somewhere. A friend told me that hikers get the best photos, they just need to have a camera with them, that is SO attractive to me.

Touring Europe has no pull for me, I’m too biased. I’ll end up in Chipiona or Seville to visit my sister and her family or in Rome to visit the Lanzanis. What I want to do is wander, and that is NEVER advised. I can’t just go on some “spirit quest” to find myself now, I’m five years too late. At most I have the random outings with friends to see places in MY OWN country that I’ve never been to. Each and every time, my mind gets blown apart. I’m suggesting Anawangin for next, the sunsets are said to be some of the best in the WORLD.

I’m glad I got to buckle down and write for once. Really writing is a joy. There’s a reason I carry a notebook with me at all times and it’s not to look cool.

Advertisements

Henri Cartier-Bresson – revered master of the “decisive moment”

My idol, plain and simple. Far too many of my favorite photographs are his.

I need to take photos of LIFE again. I seriously need to stop taking photos of stuff that’s going to be there later. I’m just going to end up frustrated again when the fountain runs dry.

I’m inspired by life.
Simple enough statement, but I’m also proud to say that while I may make a bug deal about capturing life, I know how to enjoy it as well.

I love thinking about the stories.
Taking it to the streets lets me do that.

I need to go back.
I need to reach out to HCB again.

Part 1: Position

Alliteration aside, an abomination in astounding amount.

There’s no need to wrangle like crazy for space.
Simple enough, get to your place and plant your ass there.
BEND your knees so he can’t push you out.
Plant your ass there and raise up your hand to get the ball.

You do your moves after. FIRST, get into POSITION.
STEP ONE: GET INTO POSITION.

Unafraid to say that I am more than willing to go ballistic on anyone.

I can go passive-aggressive, I can go berserker.
I am glad to say that I won’t be gay if you piss me off.

Sad to say, most people just go a different route.
Throwing words around because they think that everything is about them.
Sad to say, no.

I don’t even think they’d be willing to talk shit to my face.
All they’ve got is gossip anyway and that’s nothing. I can always kill them myself.

“If you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”

Haters are going to hate.

Not to bash, but it was a failed experiment.

I admit to having fun, I admit to enjoying the freedom it gave me. The ten rules are simple, there are no real rules. Just live fast, live hard, go strong, be active, be spontaneous.

BUT

I didn’t like the fact that it was too… free and loose and didn’t inspire anyone to IMPROVE. I found myself going back to normal photography conventions more and more. It felt wrong at first but I just kept integrating back into photography while using the tools of Lomo. In the end, it was just photography.

It was great when I was haggard but in the end I couldn’t accept the death ratio. Having a 20% keeper percentage was brutal but it was also the norm. I just didn’t enjoy that.

I knew I enjoyed taking photos with film, I knew I loved the unpredictability of my Holga, I knew that I wanted to get better, I knew that I could be creative without being wasteful.

So I stopped Lomo.

I’m grateful for the experience because I learned to stop being so uptight.
BUT, in the end, I learned that a well thought out shot, capturing the moment while being of sound composition and sound impact will make me feel better than going for the random thrill.

It’s been 5 years since I was last in a stable relationship.

You tend to miss the companionship, feeling alone is what gets to you.
You get fat. Finding the emptiness inside, you try to fill it with other things.
You try to find someone new, but they’re not the solution.

Make sure you’re fixed inside before you try to go be with someone.

No one wants damaged goods.
No one DESERVES damaged goods.

I’m damaged goods. This is why I’m afraid.
This is why I’ve not been actively going after people.

Sure, I still try sometimes but once shit hits the fan it’s all too easy to just pack up and leave.
Nobody deserves that.

Into 1984. George Orwell.

Yeap, written in the late ’40s it describes a dystopian world where “Big Brother” is watching.

26 years later, we live in a world where Big Brother doesn’t even need to set the cameras on us, WE’RE the ones going into view. Info overload is happening and we’re facilitating it. Sure, this is a bit of a prickly topic for me because even though I have a blog and a tumblr and a twitter and a facebook and a dA account and will soon have my own website I still prefer being a bit under the radar, that way I can still surprise people sometimes.

The difference here is CHOICE.

I believe that this is a great thing that’s happening. My only issue is when we give up control of what is seen out there. Losing that  choice is when this will become a bad thing.

Being far more open on the internet has pretty much allowed me to meet people I never thought I’d meet.
For that I’m grateful.

HERE

Honestly? YES.

There is an HONESTY that you can’t miss with this song.

“But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door”

Yes, YES I would.

I’m a logical kinda dude.
I’m also blessed with insanely good gut feel.

Both work really well for me but I wish they didn’t bash so often.

Let’s just say that I’ve been burned enough times to know when it’s building up to it.
I can see patterns, if I’ve experienced it before I can see the signs if it’s going to be happening again.
I just wish my gut were wrong sometimes.

I’m in a position that pretty much sucks.
When I see something going down the wrong way I normally tell everyone about it and I seem like the bad guy but whenever I end up right instead of feeling validated I feel bad. Whenever I end up up wrong I seem like a quack.

I think too much.

What to do?

Damaged goods.

That’s me, being brutally honest with myself.

I’ve always believed that you end up with what you deserve.

So what do I get?

I’m not the best of people. I certainly embody some of the worst in people.
Maybe it’s best for me not to find out.