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Monthly Archives: April 2009

The question becomes “how do you do that?” How do you let go of something you never held in the first place?

But the first question is “why?” I want to do this because THERE IS NO CHANCE.

I’m not going to lie to myself. That would be delusional.
I’m not going to live in some fantasy world where I get the girl.
I’m not going to think I actually have a chance when it’s obvious I don’t.

In the end, I’ll end up fooling only myself.
And I don’t like that.


Okay, I admit it. “How do you sleep” by Jesse Mccartney is a great song. Catchy tune and beat, heartfelt lyrics and all that. I’m all about the lyrics when it comes to songs, can you tell? It’s a “sad” song that some hushwad might just remix and turn into a dance hit.

It’s a bit on the melodramatic tweeny but I’ll be honest, the guy knows how to write songs. Not that you didn’t know that yet. He knows what works and what’s going to be a hit. It’s alot like what Lady Gaga said about herself, she writes song that she knows will SELL.

Okay, let’s look at the lyrics.

It’s been about a year now
Ain’t seen or heard from you
I been missin’ you crazy
How do you how do you sleep

–> Yeah, we know you’re sad. Hehe, FINE, I’m like this. I can get over a girl but I end up missing her eventually. Usually a few months after.

If I had my way I’d come and getcha girl
In your favourite car with the missing top
Remember ’round my way where we used to park
And did all those things to steal your heart

–> Yeah, I’m affected. Yeah, sometimes I really wish I could revisit what happened and fix what I did wrong but all I can ever do now is say sorry.

Hmmm, first time I looked at two sets of lyrics to illustrate my point. Interesting.

This was a tweet I posted almost 3 hours ago.

I learned to be a realist too early. Is it too late to learn to hope?”

Yeah, I’m a cynic who can’t seem to hope OR pray anymore. I only pray when it’s for other people. Like a friend’s dad or someone’s mom or daughter. I stopped hoping for the best for myself a long time ago. It seemed like it was pointless and kind of stupid. I’ve always been frank with myself about my chances and about my abilities. I know I have skills with alot of things but I’m woefully inadequate in others.

When did I start to think like this? I don’t know, I just started “being real” about my chances with everything. I called it pattern recognition and I realized that it was working. Maybe too well. There began my descent into despair.

So yeah, I see patterns, always have, always very well. This obsession led me to see the patterns in people’s behavior and in everyday events. I don’t know, I get to predict what will happen with chilling accuracy. As long as it’s happened to me before, I can probably see it coming. It’s not a happy thing to have.

So there, I want to be free of it. I want to be bright-eyed and expectant again. I want to have the optimism which I was kinda infamous for again. I want to have the innocence I was still growing into before I lost it. I want to get back all the failed relationships that were ruined by paranoia and became self-fulfilling prophecies.

I can’t have all of that back. It’s all in the past, it’s all gone. I also know that I should work on myself instead of wishing on the past. Look to tomorrow, not yesterday. A man can dream, can’t he?

Not that I want MORE inspiration. A man can only take so much. I feel like I’m not GOING AFTER my inspiration. I’ll be honest, after burning my way through almost two seasons of Chuck in less than 2 days, I’m still kinda high on the “If you really want something, GO FOR IT” and the whole geeky guy getting the girl thing. Don’t get me started on the Pete and Pete marathon.

I’m writing, oof, typing this in my room, half my body on the bed, half my body on the floor and all I’m thinking of right now is whether I want to leave the house for some “grand adventure” or just stay in my comfort zone.

From my point of view(which is about a foot off the floor) I can see an F&H bag with the Twilight books inside, blankie(don’t ask), two 2nd year class pictures, pencil box, 2 cellphones, DLSR, ex-HDD, wallet(really a cigarette case but it works), earphones, Djembe, bro’s guitar, 2 sets of Havaianas and other stuff, place is messy, but I like it.

I wonder if I should go with the boys. I missed out on another Rock Band night last Friday and I kinda want to get out of the house. Can somebody save me? LOL!

Let’s get the updates rolling. Multiply is half-dead, used mainly for mobile blogging. Tumblr is stable and on Day 21 posted. Twitter is more active than I would’ve guessed it to be. WordPress is undergoing evolution(again).

This is yet another review that should have been up earlier.

Trey Songz’ new song Takes Time is a great song that really says alot about how love/attraction/a relationship is nowadays. How hard it is to know if what you feel is true. How hard it is to take it slow in a world filled with instant gratification.

Check the lyrics.

It takes time living in a world
When you don’t know who to trust
Next time, slow it down
And don’t feel you have to rush
It’ll be fine
Takes time, takes time to love

What do I have to look forward to? I got no plans. If it’s a good week I might go to the shak. I’ll prolly have a good eucharist saturday night. I prolly have housecleaning to go do. I got no real plans though. Anyone with plans? I might bring home some work. I might also be really bored if I don’t get out of the house. God be with me.

So I did something semi-productive today. I revisited my past. I did the following:

Watched Pete and Pete

Read old Star Wars novels

Looked over an old illustrated “The Iliad and the Odyssey”

Read my old WWII books

Basically cleaned up some of the old junk which I ended up keeping anyway. LOL! Some of the unrecoverable stuff is gone. What I COULD recover, stays with me. GREAT.

If you follow me on this blog, TWITTER or on TUMBLR you’d know I’ve been in a funk lately ‘coz my Turtle died. Pathetic, I know. You would also know that my little sister left a gift on my bed. It took me the better part of an hour before I opened it.

What was inside?

A rock.

No, she’s not a weirdo. It was the rock I put in Glutton’s(yes, I happen to name my pets from their attributes) aquarium. On the rock was a munggo sculpture of a turtle. It came with a letter, actually, a letter split into two(literally two pieces of paper).

“This is Glutton’s rock.”
“Even if Glutton is gone he will always be in your heart.”

Let me go back to crying now.

I’m not a pet person. I actually hate mammals. I’m really a reptile person.
So yeah, my first REAL pet. A softshell turtle named Glutton.

He just died.

I saw him lying still in the aquarium. Picked him up to clean the container and he just didn’t move. Not even his eyes moved.

Okay, in true pathetic fashion, I cried. I’m also in a funk right now.

It may not be a biggie but it was important for me. This was the first time I took care of a life other than mine and it really gave me a sense of self.

This is a random test for friends, suggestions for the other people. Romantic stuff I’ve done or I want to do, along with some duds. WWTD? My friends would know which ones are ME. The other people should try it.

Order a Meatlover’s pizza but have the bacon removed ‘coz she hates it.

Surprise her at work with a late brunch ‘coz she’s been in a meeting all day.

Leaving a rose at her front door.

Slow dancing in the rain.

Slow dancing in public. (probably in Eastwood)

Cooking for her. Just because.

Visiting her at her parent’s house. Just because.

Holding her hand and introducing her to my buddies as my Girlfriend.

Hugging her. Just  because.

Inviting her to meet your parents before she brings it up.