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Daily Archives: April 20th, 2009

This was a tweet I posted almost 3 hours ago.

I learned to be a realist too early. Is it too late to learn to hope?”

Yeah, I’m a cynic who can’t seem to hope OR pray anymore. I only pray when it’s for other people. Like a friend’s dad or someone’s mom or daughter. I stopped hoping for the best for myself a long time ago. It seemed like it was pointless and kind of stupid. I’ve always been frank with myself about my chances and about my abilities. I know I have skills with alot of things but I’m woefully inadequate in others.

When did I start to think like this? I don’t know, I just started “being real” about my chances with everything. I called it pattern recognition and I realized that it was working. Maybe too well. There began my descent into despair.

So yeah, I see patterns, always have, always very well. This obsession led me to see the patterns in people’s behavior and in everyday events. I don’t know, I get to predict what will happen with chilling accuracy. As long as it’s happened to me before, I can probably see it coming. It’s not a happy thing to have.

So there, I want to be free of it. I want to be bright-eyed and expectant again. I want to have the optimism which I was kinda infamous for again. I want to have the innocence I was still growing into before I lost it. I want to get back all the failed relationships that were ruined by paranoia and became self-fulfilling prophecies.

I can’t have all of that back. It’s all in the past, it’s all gone. I also know that I should work on myself instead of wishing on the past. Look to tomorrow, not yesterday. A man can dream, can’t he?

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